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Signs Of Drug Addiction

SHOULD I STAND BY MY MAN?

Dear Iyanla,

Recently my husband revealed to me that he's addicted to cocaine. When I think back, there were signs staring me in the face--missing cash, unexplained absences--but I didn't want to see them for what they were. I knew he got high, but he had told me it was an occasional recreational thing. I now realize that this challenge is more than the two of us can handle on our own. I've decided to put it in the Lord's hands, and I'm praying for a miracle. As a Christian, I know I must be patient, but I no longer trust my husband--I'm afraid of him. I keep my purse locked in the trunk of my car. Since our 3-month-old son was born, my husband has promised that he would stop running the streets all night, and so far he has. But he's verbally abusive. I have very broad shoulders and can take it--up to a point. How much more will I have to stand before I lose my mind? I want the man I fell in love with back. I have tried to make him get help, but to no avail. What should I do?

Oh, My Beloved,

My heart and my prayers go out to you and for you. Living with a loved one who has a substance-abuse problem is heart-wrenching. It can also become dangerous. The culture and environment of addiction can turn violent at any time because you can never be sure what a person will do to satisfy his addiction. Mounting drug debt can place you and your baby in financial and physical peril. I wish I could tell you that there is an easy way out of this situation. There is not. My instincts tell me that you and your son must run for your lives!

Many women believe that it is their duty to accept, tolerate and excuse conditions and experiences that place them in danger so they can save a relationship. Sometimes we use "I'm standing by my man" as an excuse for not standing for ourselves. The most self-loving thing you can do is refuse to participate in your husband's self-destructive behavior.

You obviously love your husband; however, right now cocaine is his wife, his best friend and the first thing on his mind. You do not have the problem; he does. You can fantasize, hope, wish and pray for his deliverance, but until he is ready to walk the talk and be healed, his actions won't change, despite his promises. Meanwhile, your hanging in there and trying to make the best of things only accommodates your husband's addiction. You're training him to believe he can dishonor himself and you. You're also training yourself to accept abuse in the name of being a "good woman." I pray you'll realize that this isn't about whether or not you stay in this marriage. This is about giving yourself permission to say no to things and people who put you and your son in jeopardy. It's time to get clear about whether this relationship and arrangement are serving your highest good. Making a list of pros and cons will help; so will having an honest talk with your minister about what goes on in your household. If finances are a problem, seek credit counseling. Get still and begin to envision a healthy life for you and your child--a life in which, for the time being, your husband is not a part. This will help you see what steps are needed for you to move on. Seek out professional counseling or a support group for guidance as you take the most appropriate steps to care for yourself. For referrals, call the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence, Inc. at (800) NCA-CALL or visit ncadd.org.

Iyanla Vanzant hosts the nationally syndicated TV show Iyanla. Check your local listings for airtimes,

Do you need help with a dilemma? Write Ask Iyanla, ESSENCE, 1500 Broadway, New York NY 10036; E-mail queries to askiyanla@essence.com. She will respond only to letters that are selected for publication.

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